You Don't Have to Stay in a Bikram Yoga Class: How I Forced Myself to Do Something I Hated the Whole Time and How This Speaks to a Large Problem
As we entered the studio, we were prepared for the hell. We had been here before but it had been a long time since we bought a new Groupon. Jill and I often got in on the winter deals so we didn't fall behind in our workouts. But Bikram Yoga is hit or miss anywhere you go. I mentally prepared myself and decided ahead of time it wasn't a challenge to myself. I should be proud that I'm doing it.
We entered the studio and I felt pretty confident. Fortunately I had done it a few times before so I knew the drill. Take your shoes off, hang your coat up, fill your water bottle and mentally prepare for the heat. Once you enter the room that's it, you can't leave. But first we had to check in.
The woman at the desk was sitting in a sports bra and tight pants so that it was clear to see she was in perfect shape. She took our Groupons and asked us to fill out a medical waiver. I indicated on mine that I had had two miscarriages this year. Then I explained to her that I may have to sit often during certain poses.
"Oh, ok, perfect, well then in this class you will just be reintroducing yourself-"
"Oh ya, yes, I am not too worried about it-"
She cut me off-
"So you need to just go with it, you will be getting to know it and reconnecting with it, and sometimes even just knowing its there you know-"
"No I know I really just wanted to let you know because its been a while and physically-"
She locked her eyes with me as if she was saying one thing but wanting me to pick up on some strange clues and read her mind-
"Yes, just reconnect with it, go with it, sit with it, and you might even feel it more at certain times."
"Ok, thanks."
I looked at Jill, who was blank in her face but her eyes told a million jokes.
We entered hell about five minutes until class started. Immediately I wanted to leave. I really didn't think I'd feel that way since I've done it before but I wanted to leave and I was angry as I walked to my spot.
I laid out my mat and my towel. I set my water bottle near me. The instructor entered. It wasn't until now that I could see the entire outline of her vagina through her pants. I've never understood why you want to wear pants that tight.
The instructor came very close to me and examined my area.
"Is that the towel you want to use?"
"Yes, I do."
"Are you sure? You will be sweating a lot."
"Yep."
"Ohhh kaaay. Well I'm going to remove this second towel you brought because we don't use hand towels in here. And I'm also going to take away your glass bottle of water because its glass and I don't want it to break. But I'll give you a free plastic bottle of water."
At this point I decided that I didn't have energy to be annoyed with this woman because I was too hot. I just nodded.
Suddenly, without notice, the instructor began shouting several commands and talking very fast. I felt disoriented, afraid, and very clueless. I believe for the first 30 minutes I was doing satisfactory, only occasionally wishing I had worn a bathing suit instead of clothes. I could smell myself within a very short amount of time. I wanted water, but I knew I couldn't have it. Around 45 minutes, I felt trapped. I chose to lay on my mat and stare up at the wall. I begged for a wave of air. Nothing came. I thought I might die. My head was pounding and I wanted to throw up. Then I thought I might throw up. I wanted out. I wanted out and I was angry that I wasn't allowing myself to leave. I paid for this class so why can't I leave. Don't leave though. For real. Don't leave. I forced myself to notice things on the ceiling in order to not go insane. I saw some pipes, some nuts and bolts. Designs on ceiling tiles. My mind started to wander into places I knew I should go. Anger about various aspects of my life, the fact that I should be producing a web series, and whether I had drank enough water to keep me from passing out in this room. I could hear the instructor's commands but I was focusing on my thoughts. Just stay here. Stay right here. You can stay here for the rest of the 25 minutes. 25 minutes? Fuck this. I'm fucking leaving this room. No one is in charge of me. Except I actually don't think I can move. I'm very dizzy. Am I dying? I'm not dying. I'm not dying. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just as the class began going into camel pose I decided to join. I turned around and stood up on my knees, hands behind my back, I leaned backwards. I'm going to throw up.
I laid back down until final breathing and eventual final savansana.
When I opened my eyes my water bottle was returned to me as well as my towel. I gathered up my things and stumbled to the lobby. I sat on a bench. I looked around and noticed that five of us looked like we were upset and disturbed. One girl sat hunched over holding her stomach, looking very agitated. Another guy rubbed his head and over and over, looking very overwhelmed.
"I as just angry the whole class. I must have a lot of anger right now."
"How could you not be angry with that woman shouting at us the whole time." Jill pulled out of her parking spot.
"True."
"I wanted to leave within the first five minutes. She was shouting too much."
"Me too!!"
We laughed. I looked at Jill-
"That's the best thing you've ever made me do that I ended up hating."
We entered the studio and I felt pretty confident. Fortunately I had done it a few times before so I knew the drill. Take your shoes off, hang your coat up, fill your water bottle and mentally prepare for the heat. Once you enter the room that's it, you can't leave. But first we had to check in.
The woman at the desk was sitting in a sports bra and tight pants so that it was clear to see she was in perfect shape. She took our Groupons and asked us to fill out a medical waiver. I indicated on mine that I had had two miscarriages this year. Then I explained to her that I may have to sit often during certain poses.
"Oh, ok, perfect, well then in this class you will just be reintroducing yourself-"
"Oh ya, yes, I am not too worried about it-"
She cut me off-
"So you need to just go with it, you will be getting to know it and reconnecting with it, and sometimes even just knowing its there you know-"
"No I know I really just wanted to let you know because its been a while and physically-"
She locked her eyes with me as if she was saying one thing but wanting me to pick up on some strange clues and read her mind-
"Yes, just reconnect with it, go with it, sit with it, and you might even feel it more at certain times."
"Ok, thanks."
I looked at Jill, who was blank in her face but her eyes told a million jokes.
We entered hell about five minutes until class started. Immediately I wanted to leave. I really didn't think I'd feel that way since I've done it before but I wanted to leave and I was angry as I walked to my spot.
I laid out my mat and my towel. I set my water bottle near me. The instructor entered. It wasn't until now that I could see the entire outline of her vagina through her pants. I've never understood why you want to wear pants that tight.
The instructor came very close to me and examined my area.
"Is that the towel you want to use?"
"Yes, I do."
"Are you sure? You will be sweating a lot."
"Yep."
"Ohhh kaaay. Well I'm going to remove this second towel you brought because we don't use hand towels in here. And I'm also going to take away your glass bottle of water because its glass and I don't want it to break. But I'll give you a free plastic bottle of water."
At this point I decided that I didn't have energy to be annoyed with this woman because I was too hot. I just nodded.
Suddenly, without notice, the instructor began shouting several commands and talking very fast. I felt disoriented, afraid, and very clueless. I believe for the first 30 minutes I was doing satisfactory, only occasionally wishing I had worn a bathing suit instead of clothes. I could smell myself within a very short amount of time. I wanted water, but I knew I couldn't have it. Around 45 minutes, I felt trapped. I chose to lay on my mat and stare up at the wall. I begged for a wave of air. Nothing came. I thought I might die. My head was pounding and I wanted to throw up. Then I thought I might throw up. I wanted out. I wanted out and I was angry that I wasn't allowing myself to leave. I paid for this class so why can't I leave. Don't leave though. For real. Don't leave. I forced myself to notice things on the ceiling in order to not go insane. I saw some pipes, some nuts and bolts. Designs on ceiling tiles. My mind started to wander into places I knew I should go. Anger about various aspects of my life, the fact that I should be producing a web series, and whether I had drank enough water to keep me from passing out in this room. I could hear the instructor's commands but I was focusing on my thoughts. Just stay here. Stay right here. You can stay here for the rest of the 25 minutes. 25 minutes? Fuck this. I'm fucking leaving this room. No one is in charge of me. Except I actually don't think I can move. I'm very dizzy. Am I dying? I'm not dying. I'm not dying. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just as the class began going into camel pose I decided to join. I turned around and stood up on my knees, hands behind my back, I leaned backwards. I'm going to throw up.
I laid back down until final breathing and eventual final savansana.
When I opened my eyes my water bottle was returned to me as well as my towel. I gathered up my things and stumbled to the lobby. I sat on a bench. I looked around and noticed that five of us looked like we were upset and disturbed. One girl sat hunched over holding her stomach, looking very agitated. Another guy rubbed his head and over and over, looking very overwhelmed.
"I as just angry the whole class. I must have a lot of anger right now."
"How could you not be angry with that woman shouting at us the whole time." Jill pulled out of her parking spot.
"True."
"I wanted to leave within the first five minutes. She was shouting too much."
"Me too!!"
We laughed. I looked at Jill-
"That's the best thing you've ever made me do that I ended up hating."
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